


At Both Ends

by thornfield_girl



Category: Justified
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Canon Related, First Time, Friendship, Injury, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-25
Updated: 2012-01-27
Packaged: 2017-10-28 02:41:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/302844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thornfield_girl/pseuds/thornfield_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raylan and Boyd's first time, continuing through Raylan's return to Harlan. Ends after S03E02.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Ropes That Have Bound Me Leave No Marks By Their Knots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raylan is leaving, and the boys finally confront their feelings.

The day after the cave-in, Raylan had called to tell Boyd that he was going to be leaving Harlan. Helen was giving him some money she had saved, and he was going in two weeks. Boyd had been trying to feel happy for Raylan - making a sincere, concerted effort - but he couldn't manage to feel anything but dread for himself. He knew it wasn't right - it was obvious that Raylan couldn't survive here, this place would run him into the ground in no time. It was good that he was leaving. But Boyd wasn't sure how he himself was going to survive here without Raylan, which was strange, because they hadn't even been friends before Raylan had started at the mine 8 months before. They'd been on friendly enough terms in school, knew each other to say hi to, but they had different friends who didn't mix well, so it had never gone further than that. Yet now, after less than a year, he couldn't imagine going back to the time when Raylan Givens hadn't been in his life.

Boyd wasn't in denial about the nature of his feelings for Raylan. He accepted it, although he found it confusing, because he'd never had feelings for a man before. He didn't believe that Raylan returned his feelings, and it didn't matter anyway. It wasn't something Boyd would ever have considered acting on. He loved Raylan in a way that went well beyond any kind of physical attraction he might feel, and that was the important thing, the thing he'd wanted to protect.

They had plans to get together the night before Raylan was to leave. By some miraculous coincidence, Boyd's daddy and brother Bowman were both out of town for a few days, and Boyd had the house to himself. Raylan was coming over, and Boyd had a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

Raylan showed up with a full bottle of the same, and handed it over to Boyd.

"Got you a little going away present."

"I thought I was supposed to get you one, you're the one who's going away."

"Did you?"

"Nope."

"Well, then, let's not worry about it."

Raylan grinned, and Boyd felt an absolutely irresistible urge to hug him. He didn't know if Raylan would mind, but he didn't give himself much time to dwell on it. He grabbed him hard around the shoulders and pulled him in. Raylan apparently didn't mind, because he put his arms around Boyd and returned the hug warmly.

"Damn, I'm gonna miss you, boy."

"I'm gonna miss you too. You're about the only thing I'll miss around here."

Neither of them pulled back or loosened their grip, and Boyd thought he could feel the exact moment when the hug had gone on too long, the moment when it became obvious that neither of them wanted to let go. Their arms started to slacken a bit, but still they didn't move from their positions. Boyd could hear Raylan's breathing, and his own. More than a minute passed, and by then the hug had turned into something else altogether, even though neither one had moved. When Raylan turned his face in towards his neck and pressed his lips against his skin, Boyd drew in a shaky breath and reached up haltingly to hold the back of Raylan's head in his hand.

"Boyd..."

"Raylan, there's nothing to say here. Just be quiet."

He felt Raylan nod slightly, then open his mouth to kiss Boyd's neck, licking it softly. Boyd's eyes drifted shut, and he briefly tried to think about whether this was a good idea, or a terribly bad one. But the warm, wet feeling of Raylan's tongue on his skin, and Raylan's hard cock pressing against his thigh quickly chased all thoughts from his head. Raylan was leaving anyway - there was nothing left to protect. Bad idea or not, this was happening. They'd been standing so still, both waiting for the other to move, to do something more, and Boyd decided that it was going to be him. His hand, which had been resting on Raylan's head, grasped a handful of hair and pulled it away from his neck. He turned and kissed Raylan on the mouth, breathlessly - almost frantically. Now they were both moving, hands under shirts, unbuttoning jeans, grabbing at each other's hips, biting, kissing, until Boyd suddenly pulled away, holding Raylan at arm's length by the shoulder.

"Upstairs. Come on."

They ran up the steps to the second floor, and down the hall to Boyd's room. As soon as they were inside the door, Boyd grabbed Raylan by the hand and pulled him down to the bed. They lay there staring at each other, panting for a moment, and then Boyd grinned at Raylan. Raylan grinned back, and they both started to laugh.

"What the hell are we doing, Boyd?"

"Shit, Raylan, I don't know. Do you want to stop?"

"Fuck no! I just really don't know what to do."

Boyd sat up and pulled his shirt off, then slid his pants down and kicked them off onto the floor. Raylan took a deep breath, then did the same. They weren't laughing anymore. When they lay back down next to each other, they moved together and kissed again, more slowly and more deeply than before. Their bodies were touching at all possible points, lying on their sides with Raylan's leg draped over and hooking around Boyd's knee. Boyd slid his hand between them, wrapping his hand around Raylan, and Raylan moaned into Boyd's mouth. He stroked him lightly, drawing his fingers up and down the sides of the shaft and running his thumb over the tip. Raylan responded by pushing himself desperately into Boyd's hand and using his leg to to get more purchase, pulling himself in against Boyd's hand and groin.

"I want... can we..."

"Yes, whatever. Whatever you want, Raylan." Boyd wasn't really sure he meant that, not entirely, but he also didn't think Raylan's imagination would go anywhere he couldn't handle.

"Will you... I mean, I will too, if you want. But..."

Boyd grinned, feeling slightly relieved. He could do this. He realized that he actually wanted to do it. He knelt on the bed between Raylan's legs and took his cock in hand. He looked up at Raylan, whose eyes were wide and dark, whose lips were reddened and parted, whose face was... well, it was Raylan's face, and just then Boyd understood that this was not going to be without consequence. Raylan was leaving, yes, but this would stay with him for a very long time. Raylan must have seen something in his expression, because his brows contracted.

"You OK? You don't have to if you don't want to. I'll still do you."

Boyd shook his head and looked down, away from his face. He licked the length of Raylan's cock and then took him in. He didn't know what he was doing, really, but in Boyd's opinion, even a bad blow job was better than almost anything else. He moved up and down, trying to relax his throat and let Raylan in as far as he could go.

"Oh god... oh fuck... fuck..."

Raylan's toes were digging into the sheets and he started to move his hips up in rhythm with Boyd's mouth. Boyd was so turned on that he wasn't sure he was going to make it through this without coming. He squeezed the top of Raylan's thigh with his left hand, his right still holding the base of Raylan's cock. Raylan was moving faster now, bucking up harder into his mouth, and he had moved his hands down to lightly hold the sides of his head.

"Boyd... oh fuck, I can't stop it. I'm coming right now... " He strained his hips up and pressed Boyd's head down for a moment, and his come spurted into the back of Boyd's throat. He swallowed it as quickly as he could, trying not to think too hard about it. Then he rolled over onto his back and grabbed Raylan's hand.

"You don't have to do that to me, just this. Kiss me some more while you do this, Raylan." He knew what he sounded like, but he couldn't worry about that now. He wanted what he wanted, and if he was ever going to get it, it would have to be now. And anyway, Raylan didn't seem to mind. He spit into his hand and reached down to stroke Boyd slowly while he laid soft, panting kisses on his mouth. Boyd was so hard, so excited, but he wanted this to go on forever. He didn't want to give up Raylan's mouth, or the arm that was supporting his neck and holding him in a half-embrace. After a few minutes, Boyd realized that Raylan was hard again, and he could feel him moving against his leg. That was more than he could take. He reached up to pull Raylan's head down into a crushing kiss and reached down with his other hand to wrap it around Raylan's hand. He squeezed his fingers tighter and jerked his hips up faster. He could feel it coming on fast, and Raylan was rubbing faster against him.

"Raylan, I'm gonna come."

"Me too. God, Boyd, this is so..."

"I know, I know... "

They came, one right after the other, then lay panting in each other's arms. Boyd's face was pressed into Raylan's chest, and Raylan's face was buried in Boyd's hair. Now that it was over, now that this had happened, Boyd was sure it had been a bad idea. He had no idea how he was going to be able to let Raylan go now, how he could possibly have had this for only one night, never to have it again. It seemed impossible.

"I'll come back and visit." Boyd was startled, it was as if Raylan had been reading his thoughts.

"No you won't. You hate it here."

"I don't hate everything about it."

"Raylan... don't come back here for me. This was... I don't know what this was, but it ain't enough to keep you here."

"So this was what, nothing to you? It didn't seem like that to me."

"Raylan, what do you want me to say? If I thought it would do any good, I'd say everything I think about what we just did, everything I feel about it. But that would only make it worse."

"No it wouldn't. If you're too scared to say it, I will. I love you. I've felt that way for months now. I knew you loved me too, but I didn't know... I didn't know you wanted me like I wanted you."

"None of that matters. You still have to go, and you'd be a goddamn fool to come back here just for this. This can only hurt us."

"It'll hurt either way."

"Raylan, listen to me. I don't want you to come back here after me. Please don't, I can't take it. But I want to say something to you, I want to make you a promise. If our paths do cross again, I will always have your back. You have my word on that."

"I'll have yours too, Boyd, always. You have my word."

"OK then. You gonna stay the night?"

"Should I?"

"I think so. I don't feel quite ready to let you go just now, to tell the truth."

Raylan kissed him again then, and Boyd could feel that his cheek was wet. He felt like crying too, and he didn't know how long it would be before he no longer felt that way. He wouldn't cry, though. He'd learned not to a long time before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is from "You Don't Make it Easy, Babe," by Josh Ritter.


	2. Blazing the Same Old Trail Back To You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Re-imagining of Raylan's hospital visit to Boyd after Fire in the Hole.
> 
> Raylan promises to wait for Boyd.

Being back in Kentucky after so much time had passed was a real mind fuck. It was bad enough just being in the state, but then to find out that what they really wanted him for was to deal with Boyd Crowder - well, he had briefly considered handing in his resignation, it was that bad.

He and Boyd had been good friends, the best of friends. It was hard to get a handle on the memories of their friendship, hard to know how to think about it, because of what had happened just before Raylan had left. They had been together, truly together, for one night. Raylan had laid everything out, had told Boyd that he loved him. He had been so overwhelmed by the feelings he'd had for Boyd that he couldn't imagine that being all there was between them, just the one time that had been so perfect.

So now, on his way back to Harlan to talk to Boyd Crowder about a church bombing, Raylan felt like puking. He didn't have any idea how to reconcile the boy he'd loved with a man who would do such a thing. How was he even supposed to talk to Boyd? He didn't think it was likely that Boyd would let him get away with playing the lawman and disregarding their history. He certainly wouldn't if the tables were turned. He didn't even want that, really, and this was the part that was making him feel ill; he was _excited_ to see Boyd. Whoever he was now, whatever he'd done, Raylan wanted to see if he could find that boy in there still, somewhere. What he'd do if he did find them, Raylan couldn't imagine.

As it turned out, his boy was still there, on display not very far below the surface. When he saw Boyd coming out of the church, arms spread wide to welcome him home, he saw that his friend was still there. They hugged, and Raylan was sure they were both thinking of another hug from long ago. This one ended after an appropriate length of time, and Raylan thought maybe he could see regret in Boyd's eyes when they pulled apart. He knew it was there in his.

They drank a little, and talked, and while Boyd didn't let him off the hook, exactly, he didn't get specific. Raylan tried to keep the upper hand, but he knew that had been pretty much lost the minute he made eye contact with Boyd. It seemed ridiculous, impossible, but there it was; this wasn't over for Raylan.

It wasn't over for Boyd either, which Raylan found out when Boyd forced his hand at Ava's. Raylan had never expected him to push it that far; this was a new side of Boyd, beyond reckless, beyond anything he could have imagined. When he thought that Boyd was going to die, he had the strangest feeling of peace. He felt, for a brief moment as he was kneeling over Boyd's body, that this was the perfect ending for the two of them. He had the thought that someone should write a sad country song about it, and then had to fight down a hysterical laugh. The relief he felt when he later found out that Boyd was going to live was immense, but there was also a bit of something else. That unsettled feeling that had been in his gut since being back here had returned. This still wasn't over.

He came to see Boyd in the hospital, and after he was finished rambling on about God and such, Raylan spoke to him.

"Boyd, can I ask you something?"

"You been asking me lots of things since you been back. This is the first time you asked permission for any of them. So I can only surmise that this is a question of a more personal nature."

"It is."

"You can ask, Raylan, but I can't promise you an answer. I won't lie to you, though."

Raylan nodded.

"Did you think of me, sometimes?"

Boyd raised his eyebrows at Raylan.

"You were my best friend, we had sex, you told me you loved me, and then you left for good. Is there really any possible way, in your mind, that I could have helped thinking about you?"

"Well yeah, of course you would have, for awhile. I know that. But I mean, did you ever think of me over the years?"

"Do you really want the answer to that question?"

"Yeah."

"Then you tell me first."

Raylan nodded. "All the time."

Boyd closed his eyes.

"I hardly ever thought of you, Raylan. I thought of you as seldom as I could manage, because I couldn't _bear_ it. But I dreamed about you. Couldn't stop those."

"I never should have listened to you. I should have come back to see you. I should have been back every weekend. God, I wanted to."

"Sure." Boyd snorted. "We could have gone on dates, maybe out dancing. We could have come out to our daddies together. Oh, they would have been disapproving at first but I'm sure they would have come around. Don't you? We'd be living happily ever after to this day, I'm certain."

"Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it was impossible."

"Just because you say that don't make it so, Raylan."

"I loved you."

"So what? That don't mean shit in real life. This place would have torn us up. Would have torn _you_ up."

"I'm pretty torn up anyway."

"I can see that. I ain't exactly in one piece myself, as you might have noticed."

Raylan looked stricken. "I'm sorry."

Boyd waved his hand weakly in dismissal.

"Don't, Raylan. If you hadn't, you'd be the one lying here now, or worse."

"I'm not sure I believe that to be true."

"I'm not sure either. Honestly, I don't know."

Raylan stood silently for a little while, not knowing how to respond to that. Just as he was about to speak, Boyd reached up to touch his wrist.

"I'm glad you came here. I'm glad you came to Harlan. You're my friend, Raylan, and I want to be a friend to you. Remember what we promised?"

"Yes, I remember. We both failed miserably on that front."

"We certainly did. But I want to renew that promise. I don't want to be on anyone's side who seeks to hurt you."

"I don't want that either, but unfortunately my job pretty much guarantees that we both will be."

"I'm done with all that, Raylan. I'm a new man. You don't believe it, but you'll see."

"You're still going to prison."

"I don't care about prison. I was already in one of my own making, but now I'm free. Even inside, I'm free."

"Can I ask you one more question?"

"Shoot."

Raylan laughed despite everything and said, "Is this religion thing real?"

"In what sense?"

"I don't know... do you really believe all the bullshit you're spewing?"

"Don't you believe in God, Raylan?"

"Yes... I do. But... not like that."

"You want to know if I'll be opposed to a little sinning with you when I get out of prison, is that what you're getting at?"

Raylan was momentarily speechless. That was, in fact, exactly what he was trying to figure out. He just thought he was being more subtle than all that. Boyd grinned his sharky grin at him, and his stomach seized up.

"I may end up with some repenting to do, but there ain't a God or a man that could keep me away from you, Raylan Givens."

Raylan leaned down and kissed him gently on the mouth.

"OK, I'll be waiting."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Man Burning" by Josh Ritter


	3. Between Your Smile and Your Sleight of Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Raylan said he'd be waiting, he apparently didn't mean alone. And when Boyd said he'd changed... maybe not so much.

Fuckin' Raylan.

Boyd was pissed. He had just gotten a visit from his cousin Johnny, only to find out that boy had been fucking Ava since just after the goddamn shooting. _I'll be waiting._ Well, he was gonna have a long fucking wait. If Raylan thought Boyd was going to touch him now, he was out of his goddamn mind. Or, well... at least he'd make him pay first.

It didn't take Boyd long to figure out how this information could be used to his advantage. It was almost worth it. _Almost._ He spoke to his lawyer, who agreed, and they started working on getting Boyd out of prison. A benefit he hadn't thought of presented itself after the lawyer had filed his motions, in the form of Raylan Givens turning up to try to intimidate him into dropping it. He hadn't seen Raylan that angry since the time he ruined Dickie Bennett's knee, and he'd never seen it directed at himself. It surely was something to behold. Boyd could see how someone else might be quite intimidated by it, but Boyd had quite a different reaction. He kept at Raylan, pushing his buttons with an ease that surprised even himself after all this time. It ended up right where he'd hoped it would, with Raylan shoving his body against Boyd's, the cold steel bars digging into his back, faces close enough to kiss. Boyd thought about it, considered it, but in the end settled for grinning into Raylan's gorgeous, angry face. As they pulled him out of the room, he looked straight at Raylan, grin still plastered on his face and eyes cold and dangerous, and mouthed, "Love you." It might even have been true, or close to true, but he knew it would just infuriate Raylan even more.

His religious conversion, which had started out honestly enough, had begun to fade. But he decided that his best play was to embrace it now, as fully as he could. He wanted a way out of Bo's clutches, out of this life that did nothing but prey on the weakest in their community, and he didn't think there were many excuses Bo would accept. This seemed to be one that worked, at least, sort of. Bo seemed as unsure as anyone else about his sincerity, and in a way it was easier to play on his uncertainty than it might be if he fully believed him. It seemed to put him off balance. Raylan also continued to be skeptical of it, but by the time he came to pick Boyd up from prison, he seemed to have gained some measure of peace and good humor about his release. Boyd had also heard that he was no longer seeing Ava, but was now running around with his skinny bitch of an ex-wife. Boyd could understand the Ava thing, had always been attracted to her himself just like every other male in Harlan, but Winona seemed like far more trouble than she could possibly be worth, in his opinion. It made sense that Raylan would like her, though - that boy had always been after whatever he thought was better than himself, better than where he came from. It was a kind of self-hatred that Boyd simply did not understand. Boyd felt ashamed of himself for some of the things he had done, things he had knowingly done wrong, things that had hurt people. But he would be damned if he was going to hate himself for things he couldn't control, like where he came from or who he fell in love with. What a waste of energy that would be, and Boyd hated pointless gestures. He tried to make everything he did have a purpose, whenever possible.

Raylan didn't bring up anything they'd talked about in the hospital, and they both stayed silent on it over the course of their interactions. It was always there in the room whenever they were together, of course, and Boyd sometimes wanted to say something. It was obvious to him that Raylan didn't want to deal with it, though. He wanted to pretend as if nothing had ever happened, and certainly as if that conversation had never happened. It was understandable, to a point. That hospital visit had been a vulnerable moment for both of them, and he supposed Raylan regretted his openness. It seemed to Boyd that Raylan was trying to figure him out, trying to see if this change in his life was real, and that might be a good sign. And it wasn't so much that Boyd was waiting around for Raylan to make up his mind; it was more that he just didn't want anyone else. He could live without love in his life - he had his church now, and he had books, which had always sustained him - so he was fine with whatever way this went. That he still wanted Raylan's body was something that became impossible to deny anytime the man was within his sight, but that was something he could live with. Even enjoy, in a way, especially when he could raise Raylan's temper, or make him laugh. He liked to see Raylan reacting to him. Every time he did, Boyd knew he hadn't lost him just yet.

When Boyd's life fell apart, when his men and his daddy had been killed and his faith shattered, and he had nowhere to turn, he had fallen back on that old promise. He hadn't expected to, and he knew Rayan had not expected it either, but he could think of no one else to turn to now that things had gotten so hopeless. Aside from his mama, Raylan had been the only person to ever tell Boyd that he was loved, or to show it.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm lost, Raylan."

And that had left it up to Raylan, which is all that Boyd felt he could do at that point. He had no convincing arguments for keeping Raylan close, no right to ask Raylan to be on his side. The decision would rest on Raylan's feelings, and whether the scale would tip towards the past or the present. The future was not part of the equation at the moment. Raylan came through for him, which Boyd had not entirely expected. And he came through for Raylan, had his back just like he had promised. In the end, Raylan had been the friend he'd hoped he still was.

When all that was done, Boyd felt that he and Raylan had reached some sort of detente, but it also seemed that everything between them had gotten heavier. It wasn't so much fun to tease Raylan anymore, because Raylan's anger and disappointment now had this resigned quality to it. Boyd moving into Ava's place seemed to bury things further, even though he wasn't fucking her at first. Raylan probably assumed that he was. So eventually, when the lady came around to that possibility, he figured why not. He'd always wanted her anyway. She could be a good person for Boyd to be with, had more strength than just about anyone he knew, and as a bonus it would get under Raylan's skin like nothing else.

Boyd wondered sometimes just how much other people could see. In his own estimation, if they were paying a bit of attention, they should be able to see just about everything. Raylan thought of himself as the strong, silent type - even down to the ridiculous white hat - but he didn't have to say a word for anyone with eyes to see exactly what he was about. He couldn't hide for shit, and as for Boyd, he didn't particularly want to. He didn't care if everyone could see just how much he wanted Raylan, how much there was between them. He sometimes thought that if someone were to cross between the two of them at certain times, they might feel the air thrumming with tension. Of course, most people weren't paying attention - didn't care to pay attention to much past the end of their own noses. One notable exception to this rule was that high-handed cunt, Carol Johnson. She might not have been as sharp as she thought herself to be, but she was certainly sharp enough to pick up on something as obvious as him and Raylan, and she hadn't been shy about calling them on it either. They did nothing but look at each other blandly, but they didn't deny it either. _A love story_ , she'd called it, and so it was. A fucked up one to be sure, but what else? Who sets a love story in Harlan, Kentucky and gives it a happy ending? That could be called the very definition of an optimist.

When Boyd got into business with Arlo Givens, he knew he was taking a step that could very well be the end of any hope of something between him and Raylan. Boyd was a pragmatic person, and he needed Arlo, but he knew very well that Raylan wouldn't see it that way. Raylan was not a pragmatist, he was a romantic. His world view did not allow for such measures. Boyd had said that he never wanted to be on any side that would seek to hurt Raylan, and he knew that Arlo had hurt Raylan often, and badly. He didn't think Arlo intended Raylan any further harm, and might even have regrets about the way things had been between himself and his son, but Boyd knew that shit wouldn't play with Raylan. He knew he was in the wrong here, but as Raylan had not given him any indication that he might ever come around, Boyd didn't feel like he had any obligation to uphold an oath that maybe Raylan hadn't even wanted in the first place.

That's why, when he realized that Dickie Bennett had Raylan, he felt like he'd been offered an opportunity. He could come through again for Raylan, and maybe get Dickie in the bargain. He backed Dickie off, and just in time by the looks of it. Boyd didn't want to think what Raylan's beautiful face would look like all smashed to hell with a baseball bat. His face had character to spare already, it didn't need a broken nose for that. He had an urge to tie Dickie up somewhere and leave Raylan hanging for a little while - the thought alone made his cock twitch - but he didn't do that. That would not be in the spirit of having Raylan's back, not at all. Raylan, for his part, had seemed ready to leave Dickie in Boyd's hands. Maybe that should have surprised him, but it didn't. Not really, not after the events that had taken place in the past few months. Raylan had come home in a truer sense during that time, and Boyd had seen it happening. In the end, though, Raylan did what he had to do. The pragmatist in Boyd respected that, and the part of his brain that loved Raylan beyond all good sense liked that he was doing it because it was the right thing to do. The part that believed in the proper ways of doing things, in just payment for wrongs done, however, was mightily pissed off about it. He knew what he had to do, and he didn't see why he couldn't have a little fun with Raylan when he did.

He wasn't sure at first if Raylan understood what he was up to, but he played his part nicely either way. He particularly liked the indignation in Raylan's voice when he asked if Boyd thought they were in the holler - as if to acknowledge that the rules he was bound by somehow didn't count when they were out in the hills. Everything went just perfectly, really, and Boyd could not be more pleased. He'd even gotten Raylan underneath him on the floor, and that was an image that would serve him well for a very long time. Boyd had been half hard in anticipation during the entire interview, and when he tackled Raylan there was no doubt about his reaction. Boyd thought, for the first time in awhile, that this might not be over yet after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is from "Come and Find Me," by Josh Ritter.


	4. Last Night's Feathers Exchanged for New Ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get resolved.

Raylan didn't realize his mistake until a few days later. He'd been so preoccupied with his inability to shoot straight, and the mistakes he'd made with the case, that somehow he didn't pick up on what Boyd had done. He'd been thinking about the fight at odd moments since it happened, and most recently it had popped unbidden into his mind while he and Winona were fucking just a short time ago. Not that Raylan didn't understand why that was, but he didn't want that, didn't want to do this again with Winona. He thought this time should be easier, because the first time around he'd had all these unanswered questions about Boyd. How had he turned out, what did he look like now, did he still love Raylan. Now Raylan knew these things: Boyd had turned out to be an opportunistic asshole, he still looked pretty damn good, and... well, Raylan actually wasn't sure about the third thing. Boyd still wanted him, that was pretty fucking obvious. And it was mutual, also undoubtedly obvious to both of them. But love, that was questionable. There was some kind of loyalty there, but Raylan thought that might be a kind of vestigial thing. A reflex. As for Raylan's own feelings, he was of the opinion that he could control them. Twenty years was a long time. 

Some things had been stirred up inside of him after the shooting, something beyond the undeniable sexual chemistry, when he'd seen Boyd lying there in the hospital. He had said some ill-advised things, had given himself away. He'd regretted it almost immediately upon leaving the room, and it had pushed him into yet another ill-advised situation, this time with Ava. But here he was now, back together with Winona and a baby on the way. 

If only he could stop thinking about Boyd on top of him on the floor, or how his voice sounded when he called out, "I'll see you, Raylan!" on the way out the door, once again broadcasting that there was something between them. Everyone had to know by now, Raylan figured. Boyd might as well have blown him right there in the interview room, he was that blatant about it. 

And, there it was. The thought had no sooner floated through his mind than Raylan's eyes snapped open. Boyd didn't lose his temper like that. Boyd wasn't some dumb hillbilly who would fly off the handle and hit a U.S. Marshal in full view of the entire office. Shit no, he was a smart hillbilly. Smarter than Raylan, that was clear. He'd given Boyd everything he could have wanted, might as well have handed Dickie over to Boyd all tied up with a bow and topped it off with a hand job. Raylan had been the one to lose his temper - his frustration over his injury, his stress about the pregnancy (which he barely acknowledged even to himself), and the proximity of Boyd himself coming together to make Raylan lose it. 

Boyd had hit him first, but in retrospect, he hadn't hit him all that hard. It was the tackle that had really hurt, but unfortunately that's not all it did. Raylan knew Boyd had noticed (how could he not?) and it had knocked the anger out of him. He sincerely hoped that Boyd didn't know how close Raylan had been to rolling over on top of him and kissing him like they hadn't done since that long ago night. It was a near miss, and that scared the shit out of Raylan. How could he be so close to the edge with this? Things couldn't go on this way. 

Raylan went to see Boyd in prison to let him know that he'd be released. Boyd took it better than he'd expected, which made Raylan feel a fondness that he'd rarely felt since becoming reacquainted with Boyd. The man was exasperating most of the time, but there were occasions when Raylan wanted nothing more than to sit and talk to him like they had in the early days of their friendship, before things had gotten muddled. He wanted to get to know him all over again, thought maybe some day he might try to do that.

*******************************************************************************************************************************

When Boyd got out, and after spending some time getting reacquainted with Ava, he called Raylan to see if he'd be willing to meet. He needed for this to be resolved between them, one way or the other. They met at a spot by the lake where they'd done some fishing way back when, and Raylan was waiting when Boyd came walking up.

"Hey Raylan."

"Boyd."

"Can we have this conversation now, please? I need this to be settled."

"Yeah, ok. I suppose we should. I was kinda hoping we wouldn't have to."

"I know, you always hope that."

"I got a kid on the way, Boyd. I love Winona. I can't do anything that's gonna blow that up."

"I figured that. You know, I took up with Ava in the beginning mostly to fuck with you."

"No shit."

"But I've come to realize that she is quite a remarkable person. I've come to care a great deal for her." 

"That's... I'm happy for you Boyd. She's a good woman. A good person. Smart and loyal. She'll help you in your... endeavors, I'm sure."

"I don't really know what to do with the feelings I still hold for you, Raylan."

"I don't know either."

They looked at each other for a few moments, and both seemed to come to the same decision at the same time. They kissed, and there was passion in it but mostly melancholy. When the kiss broke, Raylan came away with a lump in his throat, and Boyd's cheeks were damp.

Raylan gave a small smile and said, "What the fuck are we doing, Boyd?"

Boyd laughed a little as he wiped off his face. 

"I don't know Raylan, but I think this time we really should stop."

"Yeah. There's a lot of water under this particular broke-down old bridge."

"And time, women, bullets..."

"...fistfights, prison sentences, Bennetts..."

They both laughed, and Raylan blinked back what might have been tears.

"Oh Raylan, I'm sorry it turned out like this."

"I am too. And even more than that, I'm sorry I've been such a grudging and shitty friend to you since I've been back. I really wasn't thinking of you as a friend, even though we're old friends. I would really like for that to change. I would very much like your friendship. But I dont know how to do that, because I can't just look the other way, I can't refuse to arrest you if I'm forced to. I can't not be what I am, and I don't think you can either."

"Well, that's where you and I differ, Raylan. Because me, I've been thinking of us as friends all along. We are what we are, and we do what we do, but the love is still there. We can do with it what we choose, but it's gonna be there either way. Maybe we can just let it be there. It doesn't have to be real sad, you know. Love's a good thing to have, even for its own sake. Let's just see where it goes."

"Maybe one of these nights we can get the women good and drunk and then see where it goes."

Boyd cracked up laughing and said, "Yeah, good luck with that after that baby comes. That does sound fuckin hot though. Imagine those two goin' at it."

"I'm doing that right now."

Raylan looked down at ground and smiled, then looked up at Boyd again.

"I should probably be getting back."

"Yeah, same here. I'll see you soon though, Raylan."

"Not if I see you first."

They both got up to leave and started towards their vehicles. Then Boyd stopped and caught Raylan's arm.

"Hey."

"What."

"No more promises, OK? I don't think they work for us."

"Not so well, no."

They hugged - briefly - and drove away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Josh Ritter's "Snow is Gone."

**Author's Note:**

> The work title is from "Man Burning," by Josh Ritter.


End file.
